I am a happily married woman? I AM a happily married woman. I AM A HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN! I must be! I’m living the fabulous fairy tale. You know the one that ends with “happily ever after.” Though ever after ain’t looking so likely right now, let me tell you! Maybe I needed it in writing. Honestly, I just don’t get it. A man appears to be handsome Prince Charming. The glass slipper fits. Comes complete with bonus crown and title. And the palace, must not forget the accursed palace. Damned appearances, they can be so misleading! What was it my dear departed saintly mother used to say? Too good to be true? So apt, mummy dear, so apt. Wish I’d listened to you, not that useless Fairy Godmother! Would not have been taken by surprise last night if I had remembered your advice.
The wedding night, well I admit I was unprepared. A true innocent. It was a white wedding, after all. What a deflowering farce! Talk about being sold a bill of goods! That stupid thing couldn’t penetrate a midget. It was two inches and had the consistency of overcooked spaghetti. Al dente’? No. El limpet is more like it. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t help laughing. It was so not what I was told to expect (thank you dear fairy Godmother for building up my hopes – throbbing love hammer, hah!). I think I was nervous too. Maybe the pointing was a bit much though? Egad, I hope I haven’t permanently bruised his little ego. Oh no, little? Ego? Get control of yourself woman, he will see you cracking up again. You know how sensitive he is at the moment. His highness is being a right pooncey prince. What a pickle! Oh that’s appropriate isn’t it. Small, shrivelled and in the flickering candlelight it looked decidedly greenish. No, no. Mind on the job princess, mind on the job! You’ll be permanently chaste if you don’t remedy the situation.
I have to attempt damage control. I truly thought I had stuffed it after he stormed off last night. Back to the kitchens for little ole me. Imagine the glee that old bag and her two haggy daughters would have welcomed that little scene with? Thank God for the reprieve. I am to sup with him shortly. Now where is that book FG gave me? Ah, here it is. “Fairy Tricks to Satisfy Dicks” Ye olde wifely duty bible. Now what does it say? Oh Lord, I don’t know if I can pull this off! Oops, another metaphor. Get thee behind me craven images, I must maintain decorum. Read girl. Time is short. Surely those drawings cannot be true? I’m meant to do WHAT with my mouth? “Place puckered lips around pulsating pleasure tool……”
Hell, he’s here already. Remember. I am a beautiful innocent. I am a vestal virgin. I am a demure flower. Don’t blow this Cinder’s, he searched the whole kingdom for you! Daintily, let him take control. Ease into it. Oh no! Must not sneeze. Not now, not now. AH-CHOO! Oh my God, end of the Royal line!
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